When Trust Doesn't Come Easy

I once wondered how anyone couldn't trust God. "He's the creator of the universe, the Alpha and Omega, he sent his son to die on the cross for us. What's not to trust?" 

Then I went to Bible school.

That experience challenged me in ways I'm still figuring out. At Capernwray I learned that I have major trust issues with my heavenly father. If you're familiar with my past posts, you know that I'm something of a perfectionist, a "good girl" who is passionate about doing everything the right way. What I'm beginning to realize is that this passion for perfection is not always driven by an all-American drive to succeed; more often it is a product of fear. Skull-crushing, heart-thumping, stomach-turning, blood-draining fear. 

And it's stopped me short of adventure my whole life.

People marvel at how I succeed at everything I turn my hand to. Sure, I have some natural talents, but do you want to know the dirty little secret behind my success? I never attempted anything I thought I could fail at. If the going got tough, I got going--in the other direction. The things that I had to muscle through (i.e. algebra) I abandoned as quickly as possible. In other endeavors where I was less-than-brilliant, I kept dragging along in misery day after day, unwilling to admit that I was a "failure" and quit instead of wasting any more time (i.e. piano). 

That was a dreary battle. 

Bible school taught me (again) that God's power is perfected not in my strength, but in my weakness. "Really? I don't have to be fantastic at everything I set my hand to? God can use me even when I'm not succeeding?" That's what I read in the Bible. That's the message I heard from the lectern.

So then the biggest test of my life came, right at the end of term. I was offered a job at the Bible school as an office assistant for one year. 

Can you imagine my fear? This sounds like the perfect opportunity: the job seems to fit me perfectly, the atmosphere is wonderful, the staff wants me to come on board, the school is located in England (a country I've always been absurdly passionate about)...what's not to love? Well, the thought that I would be away from my family for a year is enough to rip my heart out and stomp it into the dust (Homeschool girls, you know how close we are to our families!). At the same time, every indicator shows that this is God's will for me--confirmation from friends and family, circumstances working out perfectly--how can I ignore this clear call?

It comes down to trusting God. 

After several weeks of tearing my hair out, crying, seeking counsel, praying and praying and praying and crying out to God, I've come to the place where I believe this is God's will for me. He's giving me this chance, holding out the frightening opportunity to go out on a limb and do something entirely outside my comfort zone, breaking away from everything I've ever known to do something he's calling me toward. 

Would you take the leap? Would you ignore the pain in your heart and the angst in your spirit and say, "Yes, Lord, I'm going to follow you"? 

I've decided to take the job, and am now working toward getting my work visa and buying another ticket to fly to England this September. To tell the truth, I still don't feel good about it. I haven't experienced anything miraculous that I would call "the peace of God," but still I know that this is a chapter of the story that God wants me to write. Maybe the fear will go away, maybe it won't, but I know that trusting God is never a risk. He is faithful. He is the creator of the universe. No matter how I feel, he is with me and he cares for me, and he will reward those who diligently seek him.

The Best of 2012

Wow, Altogether Separate has been going strong for over a year now! We owe it all to this amazing community of girls. We just love inspiring and encouraging you, and hope to do it for a long time to come.

I thought it would be fun to have a look at the ten most popular blog posts from 2012. They cover a wide range of subjects, from gratitude, to life purpose, to family, to waiting for marriage. Check some out and see if one of them speaks to you:

32, a photo by Fidenaut on Flickr.

10. Be the Sister (Abigail): This is a personal story, something that I have learned—am learning—and hope can be of some help to those of you with siblings.

9. Femininity - Duchess, Cowgirl, or something else? (Devin): Femininity.... This is a word that I find conjures up many images in a girl's head when she hears it.

8. A Random Taste of What Is To Come.... (Devin): Our topic for the next two weeks will be on friendship! This should be an awesome two weeks as the topic is an important part of our lives and has taught so many of us so many lessons.

7. November 2012 Featured Girl: Micaela Wood: Micaela is 18 and lives in Downeast Maine. She's a PK (pastor's kid), the oldest of four children, and a homeschool high school graduate.

6. December 2012 Featured Girl: Julia Erickson: Julia is an artist, writer, dreamer, dancer, and a girl who enjoys finding sparkle in every day.

5. Waiting For Marriage...or Not. (Abigail): I don't think that God is calling you to wait for marriage.

4. The Shocking Truth About Family (Abigail): What's one of the worst things about homeschooling? You have to spend all day with your family. What's one of the best things about homeschooling? You have to spend all day with your family.

Image credit GabrielaP93 on Flickr.

3. Meet Our New Bloggirl!:  Heyyo! I'm Mary Kate, and I cannot begin express how excited I am to start blogging on Altogether Separate! God has truly blessed me with this awesome opportunity.

2. Wherever the Cross Takes Me... (Olivia): As children, my friends' future careers changed on almost a weekly basis. Most of them still have no idea what they're ultimately going to do with their lives, and they rub their temples as they choose a major and pray for God's guidance on the road ahead.

1. One Thousand Gifts Giveaway: One Thousand Gifts is a New York Times Bestselling book written by Ann Voskamp. Its purpose? Daring you to live fully right where you are by giving thanks in all things. We answer some controversy about this book in another post.

Thank you for sticking with us through one amazing year!

Please leave topic suggestions in the comment section of this post. We need to hear from you!

The Proverbs 31 Daughter

We are not yet wives. We are not yet mothers. We may not have homes of our own yet. But in this moment our Lord has called us to be daughters. Not just any daughters, but those who honor Him with their whole being.

Sometimes, it's hard being a daughter. We want to be free to rule our own lives; submission can seem like a cage. Sometimes, we may want to yell or talk back. Sometimes, it seems easier to leave your room a mess than to obey. Sometimes, we just want our own way. But that is not what God calls us to be.

Before we can become praiseworthy earthly daughters, we must learn to honor and obey our Heavenly Father. When we are good daughters in God's sight, we will become good daughters towards our parents as well.

Psalm 144:12 says "May...our daughters [become] like corner pillars cut for the structure of a palace..." The corner pillars are what holds the walls together - in this case our families. God says that being a daughter is an extremely important role; the family would fall apart without its Godly daughters. We need to understand how important we are to our families. If we aren't Godly, we negatively influence others as well.

In Proverbs 31:30, the Lord says: "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." The first step in becoming Godly daughters is to lay aside our earthly desires (our obsessions) and get into God's Word daily. Spending time with our Heavenly Father is the best way to learn who He wants us to become.

As we go about our day, let's listen to the still small voice and rest in the arms of our Heavenly Father. When we honor Him, we are the daughters He called us to be.

"The King's daughter is all glorious within..." Psalm 45:13

5 Lessons from Death

I have nothing to fear from death, only lessons to learn.

Photo Credit: Beni Ishaque Luthor via Compfight cc

In the last three weeks my family has been rocked by two unexpected deaths. First my Uncle Gerald, who was doing poorly in a nursing home but might have lingered for years, was called Home after a stroke. Then my great-grandfather died, when everyone expected my great-grandmother to go first.

Experiences like that make you look at death in new ways, examine your reactions to it, and try to make sense of things.

You and I are young, and our faith is in Jesus. The grave has been conquered, and our lives lie ahead of us. How does death touch our lives besides leaving painful holes? Is it possible to carry more away from a loved one's passing than the cliché "live like you were dying" (which is a high-pressure, practically impossible sentiment anyway)?

After looking back on the deaths of five precious people in my life, I've gleaned five lessons that death. Perhaps they will help you somehow, whether or not you have ever lost someone near to you.

1. Never lose an opportunity to bless others. Every day brings our loved ones one step closer to leaving us forever. This isn't morbid, it's just facing the facts, and it urges us to treat everyone as if they had a fatal illness. Because they do. Take time out of your schedule, money out of your bank account, and love out of your heart to spend on others.
2. Don't ignore people "on the fringe." A few years ago my 19 year old friend lost his life in a car accident. We weren't very close, hardly more than acquaintances, but that was mainly because I kept him at arm's length. He was "different" than me, so instead of breaking through boundaries and befriending this young man, I let him die and leave me with so many regrets. 
3. Value the elderly. Last spring I lost one of my dearest friends, a 98 year old man named Byron who was like a third grandfather. He taught me so much with his love, wisdom, and insight, but only because I spent time with him. If I hadn't visited him once a week for several years, he would have been just another old man, but because I took the time to get to know him, I was blessed beyond my imagination.
4. Invest in people, not stuff. My great-grandfather was a dear man, beloved by many, but his last years were marred by a spirit of selfishness. He hoarded his money for no apparent reason. He wouldn't even repair the roof (which was falling in on him and his wife) because it would cost too much. He wouldn't get rid of his junk because he hoped to get some money out of it. Where were his priorities? "But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal" (Matthew 6:20). We all love our "stuff," but it's gone too far when our money and possessions get in the way of the people around us.
5. See what a good life looks like. I don't know about you, but I tend to set incredibly high standards for myself. When I die I want important people at my funeral, I want awards and special ceremonies, I want to be remembered as an amazing person. But when my Uncle Gerald died I realized that even though he might have been unremarkable, he lived up to what Jesus calls each of us to be: someone who loves God and loves people. Everyone called Gerald "a good man," and the truth is that if we accomplish that much in our lifetimes, we can consider ourselves successful.

What has been your experience with death? What did you learn from it?

Be The Sister

This is a personal story, something that I have learned—am learning—and hope can be of some help to those of you with siblings. 

I hear about families of 6 or 8 or 20 and I marvel. I have a younger brother, Aaron, and I think that God knew what he was doing when he limited my sibling count to 1. I love Aaron to death, don't get me wrong, but there are times that I fail woefully at this older-sister business. There are times that I act, shall we say, superior?

Perhaps you share this problem of mine. If you've ever 

• chastised your sibling for doing something you disapproved of
• felt slighted when your sibling didn't follow your orders
• nagged at your sibling when he/she was slow or inattentive
• gotten jealous when someone else monopolized your sibling

then you could be in the same boat as me.  You're not being the sister. 

It's remarkably easy to forget that God did not appoint us as our siblings' parents, spouses, or bosses. Older or younger, we're their sisters, no more, no less. 

This is so hard for me. I feel a responsibility toward my brother, to "guide him in the ways of righteousness" so to speak. How many times have I given him that look of disapproval, the look that says, "Really, can't you do better than that?" More often than not I just use his name as a reprimand. "Aaron," spoken in a certain tone of voice, can mean everything from "You left your socks in the floor again" to "Why don't you respect me?"

Ouch. I'm ashamed to admit all that. But maybe some of you sisters—older sisters especially—can identify with these feelings? 

Over the past year I have become aware if how very wrong I've been for so long. I'm surprised that my brother still talks to me, after the way I've treated him for so many years. I'm really blessed by his forgiving spirit.

How does God call us to act toward our brothers and sisters? This ties in with Kyla's last post. We are called to be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven each of us. This is the calling that every Christian has to one another, but siblings have a very special relationship that should definitely be shaped by love. Sometimes it's appropriate to lead your siblings, instruct them, warn them, etc., but our roles as sisters are so unique and so precious that they should never sullied by prideful attitudes of dominance or superiority. God forbid we ever make our siblings into the enemy.

You have an opportunity to be a friend to your siblings, a friend like they'll never find anywhere else. It's a daily struggle for me to swallow my older-sister-attitude and try to enjoy my brother for the wonderful boy he is—without trying to change him. That is the road I am called to walk. It's also the road that leads to late-night giggles over hot chocolate, lots of loud singing, and fantastic memories.

Trust me, it's better this way.   

Question: Do you ever find it hard to be the sister?

those people that share our houses

Emma and Sara, 15 and 3

It is, unfortunately, apparently a fact of life that familiarity breeds something very close to contempt. This is true even for those of our blood, it seems; sometimes, when we've all been cooped up together for awhile, my siblings and I begin to jump at each other's throats for what, on a normal day, might seem something completely ridiculous. It seems that as soon as one person goes off, it simply becomes worse, spiraling downwards into a cycle of shouting matches, lost toys, and increasingly bad attitudes.

So what can we, as older and younger sisters, do to stop this cycle?

be kind to one another

I've noticed that in the times that my siblings and I are really at odds, and are reaching the screaming-and-yelling portion of our relationship, it's usually because somebody, somewhere along the way, wasn't kind. It can be something simply thoughtless, like a word spoken in jest, or the accidental locking of a door, or the thoughtless filching of someone's clothing or plaything. But inevitably, one unkind action leads to another, and before long, it seems everything's fallen apart.

Make an effort to be kind over the next few weeks. Think about what you say before you say it. Go out of your way to do something for a sibling. Sometimes, a simple smile or an offered hand to help is all it takes to bring a smile to somebody's face.

Emma, Cora, and Edward--at the time, 14, 12, and 1

tenderhearted

in other words, be compassionate. I'm an older sister to seven little ones, ranging in age from fifteen (okay, maybe not quite that little), to barely two. We've got one more on the way too, and we all live in a very small house. It can be hard sometimes, for me especially, to take the concerns and needs of my siblings seriously. "I don't need that," I think, "why do they?" "I never had that, why should they?" It's a bad habit, but trust me...I know. And I'm working on it.

Be compassionate to the needs and requests of your siblings. Sometimes, we can forget that the younger ones especially need a lot more than we do. Our tendency can be to ignore that in search of our own good. Don't. Be tenderhearted. Think of your words, of how they might be seen on the other end, and take compassion upon your siblings by sometimes simply swallowing those words.

Sara and Edward, 4 and 2

forgiving one another

it can be easy to hold a grudge. It can be easy to go through life, not quite forgiving some past slight--maybe we say we've forgiven it, but we haven't. If unchecked, a lack of forgiveness will hurt relationships beyond repair. We can no longer look at a person without seeing all the little things that we've not quite let go of. Understandably, if you're living in a house with someone, rubbing elbows with them every day, all day, this can get to the point where life becomes a never-ending source of annoyance and anger.

So don't let it get that way. Forgive and forget, as the saying goes--and mean it. Let those things go. If it helps, write them down on slips of paper and throw them away, preferably somewhere where you can't just go get them out. If it helps, drive all the way across town to toss your grievances into a dumpster that will be emptied within five minutes to be taken to a landfill fifty miles away. Because in your house, under your nose day after day, it won't help you and your siblings.

myself (Kyla) and Emma, at ages 4 and 2, or thereabouts

even as God in Christ forgave you.

amidst all of this, let's not forget the most important element in any relationship, the one thing that will decide whether we fail or succeed. Without Christ, nothing can be accomplished. So remember Him. When it feels as if anger will overwhelm you, when you find yourself failing to be compassionate and tenderhearted, when it seems that you just can't let go of something, no matter how hard you try--pray to Him. Seek His face. Persistently run after Him and His will, putting behind you the things that you know to be wrong. And with His help, we will become more than conquerors.

-Ephesians 4:32

Battle Partners or the Enemy?

Siblings....they can be your best friends or your worst enemies.

What are your siblings to you? 

I personally, have a brother that is five years older than me and a sister that is two years younger.  The older we have gotten the better our relationships have become.  My brother is from my Dad's first marriage, so throughout my childhood my brother would live most of the time at his mom's house and occasionally at our house.  As the years went by we saw less and less of him as he became involved with sports, boy scouts and other things.  However, my sister and I adored our older brother and I can honestly say I only remember having one fight with him when I was really young.  My sister and I however, have grown up side by side.  We did everything together and knew the other one as well as we knew ourselves.  We were each others best friends....but there were times we wished the other one lived on another planet. 

This summer, for those of you who remember, Altogether Separate took a blogging break as we the writers were going on vacation.  Part of my vacation consisted of attending a "Whatever It Takes" conference in Indianapolis, Indiana.  We started the conference out by discussing the false beliefs that many of us.  Satan has uses these false beliefs to cloud our minds and keep us in bondage.  One of the false beliefs that was mentioned was: "My Parents/siblings Are My Enemy".  Ouch!  How many times had I viewed my sister as my enemy.  After all, she was the one saying or doing something to me that hurt...right?  As Paul and Jenny Speed (The speakers) discussed this false belief, I realized that I had spent my life believing this lie and it has brought such destruction to my relationships.  Even though I grew up knowing we live in a spiritual daily battle, I still saw my sister as my enemy, when in fact, the true enemy was Satan.  I know this sounds so simple, but it hit me hard.  Every time I say something mean, or treat someone with disrespect I am allowing Satan to use what I say or do in the lives of other people and vice versa.  Yes, my siblings (and myself included) made the decision to say or do whatever we did and are responsible to God for them, but Satan knows that the person who the words were said to, now has a choice to make and that is when he starts to work on the other person.  He plants assumptions, thoughts and ideas in our heads to encourage us to fail.  He uses the failings and struggles of someone else to make us sin and therefore two people (at the very least) are rendered ineffective to Christ in that short period of time.

As I sit here trying to type this out.  I'm trying to figure out how to make this as simple as possible.  When our siblings are battling the enemy and they fail (sin), we need to realize that at that moment it is not our siblings who are our enemy but Satan who is using them as a tool. I know how hard it is to view it this way.  When someone says something that hurts me deeply, all I see is that person who said it.  But what I need to see is the enemy behind the person.

In the workbook we were given at the conference, the false belief "My Parents/siblings Are My Enemies" had some bullet points that I would like to share with you.

* This belief will later become "My spouse is my enemy."  This lie does not just stay with our siblings, because it is a part of how we view people when they say or do something that hurts us.  Therefore, this lie will transfer to your future spouse if we do not make efforts to change our outlook now! 

* Our Parents/Siblings are our battle partners - not enemies.  For those of us who have christian siblings and parents we are fortunate to have God-given battle partners in our own homes.  However, Satan has blinded so many of us to that fact because we view our family as the enemy when we are struggling with something.   When either a parent, sibling or even friend strike out at us, it is a sign that they are battling and starting to fail. 

When you watch those action movies and a battle is being acted out before our eyes, usually there is a scene where one of the heroes is being beaten by the enemy, but the heroes friend steps in to help and together they defeat the enemy. 

As Christians in a spiritual battle, we need to see our family as our spiritual battle partners.  We need to see our sibling (battle partner) failing and jump to the rescue. - not just hear the hurtful words and see them as the enemy!

by foodpr0n.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/jlunar/228650018/sizes/n/in/photostream/

*See our Parents/Siblings as God's gifts - we will see our spouses the same way.  Cultivating this response to hurtful words and actions will help us in every relationship that God brings into our lives, including our future spouses.  I know I do not want to to view my spouse as my enemy and I do not want Satan to be able to work through him to get at me, therefore I need to be cultivating this response now, at the training ground God has placed me at.

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places."  Ephesians 6:12   

The Shocking Truth About Family

What's one of the worst things about homeschooling? You have to spend all day with your family. What's one of the best things about homeschooling? You have to spend all day with your family. 

Here's one of the biggest lies that our culture is telling families today: adults and teenagers don't mix. Teens, preteens, tweens—they all think they're cooler than their parents, and parents don't want to spend time with a bunch of immature jerks. So...it's best if the kids are shipped off to school every morning (preferably after Dad's already scooted out to the office) so that they can spend time with their cool peers, and everyone hopes that when they get back they've got a lot of homework to do so they'll stay in their bedrooms. Then they can get on Facebook and play video games until everyone is safe in their separate beds, in separate rooms, with their separate lives safely intact.

That's the lie.  

My own experience with homeschooling has been so different from this typical tableaux, it's unrecognizable. Our homeschooling lifestyle is the only thing that has made our family business possible; my parents own a contract cleaning company, and some of my earliest memories involve sitting in conference rooms and office kitchens, doing schoolwork with my little brother Aaron while Mom and Dad vacuumed and cleaned desks. Since neither of my parents were employees at a business outside the home, we were together as a family 24/7. That's more than many homeschooling families. As the years went by, Aaron and I were able to make a generous allowance by taking on more and more responsibilities, and that's only grown so that now there's no need for us to go out and get a part-time job at Sonic to earn a little spending money.

The shocking truth is that family time—even if it's all the time—can be marvelous. My parents and brother are some of my best friends in the whole world. I don't think that there are many 19-year-old girls who can say that. My mom has taught me cooking, cleaning, sewing, home repair, and we love going shopping together. My dad works so hard and sacrifices so much for all of us, and he's a pretty fun guy. Aaron is a good-looking, intelligent, social fellow who gives the best random hugs. Do we sometimes get sick of each other? Yeah, definitely. Would we sacrifice our closeness for a more segregated lifestyle? Not a chance.

Isn't this better than a school full of peers? Isn't this better than coming home every afternoon to a house full of people I barely know?

First Photo: 32, a photo by Fidenaut on Flickr.