Beyond the Labels: The Dating VS. Courting Debate

If you've grown up in a Christian environment, you're most likely well-aware of the dating vs. courting debate. When it comes to love, romance, and relationships, there tends to be a lot of confusion in the Christian community... some common questions I've heard and that I've had are:

- Should I date or should I court?
- When is the best time to date/court?
- How involved should my parents be?
- How physically intimate should a couple be   
   before marriage?

and of course the oh-so-popular question:

- What IS this courting business even about anyway!?

Before we look further at these questions, we need to dig into the Word about what God says about relationships. Part of why the church is confused as to what's okay is because the Bible does not specifically outline "courting is better than dating" or "thou shalt not date until thee is 21." But from what the Bible does say, we an paint a pretty detailed picture of what our relationships should look like: 

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

"Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?" 2 Corinthians 6:14

"Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." 1 Corinthians 7:1 - 4 

"Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body." 1 Corinthians 6:18

These verses are just the beginning of God's layout for good relationships.

And although the Bible does not flat-out give us an answer, when we look at verses like this, we see God's opinion on the dating/courting debate - neither one is the right way to go about relationships. 

Okay, okay, don't have a cow. Y'al may be confused by this statement, but let me elaborate. When we look at this issue as an argument in which to choose sides, we are missing the point - the main question at hand: is my relationship honoring to God? 

There's no formula or process that's more God-honoring than another - in fact, love shouldn't have a formula or process at all. Every situation is different.

I don't believe that courting is wrong, I don't believe that dating is wrong, I don't believe that kissing before marriage is wrong, or that having a relationship before the age of 20 is wrong. I believe those things because if a couple is 100% focused on God and what honors Him in their relationship, then they can't go wrong!

Putting labels and formulas and man-made rules on relationships is wrong. Sure, everyone can have certain standards for themselves, and the Bible definitely makes it pretty clear that some lines are not to be crossed until marriage under any circumstance (i.e. premarital sex or overt physical/emotional involvement). But our standards should not cause us to compromise God's real plan for us! If we are so hooked on not dating until we're 20, and we turn down every man that proposes interest until that point, we're being unwise and we could be missing out because of our selfishness. We have turned "waiting" - something that should be God-honoring - into stubbornness and selfishness. Instead, we should enjoy our time of singleness while we have it, and simply be ready whenever God may bring someone into your life. Don't simply turn someone down because of age, or situation, but in every situation, seek what God's will is for you in this season of life. When we simply pray about everything, and stop sticking to our silly list of rules, it gives us freedom. And the best thing is, we honor our Father, the true Lover of Our Souls.

If you're already in a relationship, then the same thing applies. Simply be ready for whatever God has for you. You're not compromising standards, you're simply being free and being ready and I promise you, you will have a fulfilled and pure relationship, whether you marry that person or not.

I encourage you to always question your motives for your actions in a relationship, make sure to always pray over everything, be ready for whatever God has for you, whenever, seek advice and counsel from your parents and pastors ALWAYS, and remember that love is not a formula.

So you may decide through prayer and seeking counsel that dating seems to be the best choice for you, or that courting seems to be an easier situation for staying pure for you, but regardless of your decisions, we need to learn to look beyond the labels and start looking at relationships for what they really are: a way to love others as best we can and to the glory of the King.

    

#foreveralone

Valentine's Day is one of the most lonely times of the year for me. As an extremely romantic person, I crave the excitement of receiving cute little cards or a pretty bouquet of roses. But, as a single girl with such high hopes, Valentine's Day becomes rather depressing. Have you been there? I know I'm not the only one who checks their inbox 7,000 times on Valentine's. :)

Last week, I was feeling lonely, boyfriend-less, and just in one of those moods where the only thing to soothe my soul was a good, hearty chat with my best buds. Bible study was exactly what I needed, and Jesus knew it too. Little did I know, he had prepared my friends' heart to share exactly what I needed to hear that night. A story that made this past Valentine's Day more exciting. This is the story that she shared. And I'll never forget it...

"When I was in college, I swore off boys because Jesus asked me to. In the back of my mind I still wanted to have that special person, but I knew He liked it just me and Him for a while. One evening, It was just me and Jesus, alone in my dorm. I was soaking in his presence and His joy filled my heart. I closed my eyes as He was talking to me - we talked about everything. As I sat there, an image jumped to my mind. It was a picture the most handsome, gorgeous man you've ever seen. Thinking it was my own imagination getting the better of me, I tried to shake it off and refocus, but my Jesus told me to wait and look closer. The man stood tall and handsome in a crisp, black tux. He stood ecstatic on my front porch, holding a dozen of the most beautiful roses you've ever seen. He looked right into my eyes, his beaming with overflowing love. At this point, I was thrilled, thinking that this was my future husband or something of the sort. I asked Him 'Who is this man?' And I'll never forget His reply 'That man is me. I wait for you every morning, holding the roses, waiting eagerly to see you. I stand at your door, eager to get just a glimpse of you, but longing so much to spend time with you. That man is me, and I LOVE YOU.'"

What a powerful story, right? When I heard it I couldn't stop squealing with girly giddy excitement (I even did a little happy dance). This was an exciting discovery, and I knew that Jesus wanted that for me too. So, who cares if that one boy likes us? We have the most dreamy perfect Man in the world, waiting to spend time with us every day. When we leave Valentine's Day feeling hurt or lonely, how much more hurt do you think our Savior is when we neglect Him? He is madly in love with us no matter what we do.

So, don't pass up the opportunity to take those dozen roses, every chance that you have, and let Jesus fill that longing we have for love. When He knows we are ready, the right man will come along, but no matter what, He will ALWAYS love us. He never gives up on us, He never fails us, and He'll never leave us #foreveralone.

We love because he first loved us. 

1 John 4:19 

...the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. 
Deuteronomy 31:6 

mr. right

I'm pretty sure that, at some point, all little girls dream about something very similar. We all want a perfect wedding, with a special someone waiting at the end of the aisle for us. Many girls (/coughtotallynotmehonestcough) have had their entire wedding, from dress options to reception goodies, planned out since they were old enough to realize mommy and daddy had had a wedding, that this whole wedding thing was desirable, and that boys weren't all that bad. Some girls actually go so far as to cut out the man entirely, and plan a huge bash solely for their own benefit, in the naive hope that they can have a wedding without actually, you know, getting married. Thankfully, that stage ends right about at ten, and never really comes back.

It goes without saying that the future is a question with a lot riding on it. Even more than that is the question of who we're going to spend half of our lives with, and sometimes longer. So, to my mind at least, it's very important that we get this right. There are various ideas as to how exactly we can get it right.

Some girls choose the path of experimentation. They go through a variety of boyfriends, never quite settling down with any one, excusing it with the idea that they're saving up a list of characteristics they want, or just testing to see what they like, or just goofing off while they're young because YOLO, right? More than just spending time with guys and "dating", though, many girls also end up giving themselves in some form to one or more of the guys they date. Be it a few kisses, a few emotional concessions, or a night spent together in secret, they often go farther than they should, and realize too late that it's a mistake, that they shouldn't have ever gotten involved. Some of these girls have had "lines" that they weren't willing to cross.

I've seen so many girls give themselves away to someone who wasn't willing to be there for the rest of his life. He wasn't willing to embark upon a life spent together. Yet time and again, girls continue trusting, giving everything to someone who is undeserving. Is this what God intended for us, his daughters?

I would give an emphatic no in answer. I believe that God said:

...I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11, NJKV)

He knows your future, every little side-plot and roadblock, every plot twist and turn, everything that has ever happened or ever will. He knows what you will name your children and, in their turn, he knows everything that will happen to them. He's got it covered, down to every single last, seemingly insignificant detail. He knows who you're going to marry, who will be the perfect fit to round out your service, to perfectly complement your personality and skills and make your future life the best it can be.

So trust him. Don't think you have to "shop around" to find that one perfect guy who will complete you. Don't think you have to do something to find God's best for you. He'll bring it. Wait for your Mr. Right, because I know God's got it covered.